When Everything I Thought I Knew About Myself Was Wrong: The Doctor Who Wouldn't Give Up

My Emu checking in on me to see if I am still alive.

Part 1 of 3: When Everything I Thought I Knew About Myself Was Wrong

Four Monster energy drinks a day just to function. That's what my life looked like before I discovered the truth about my brain.

The Visit That Started Everything

I was sitting in my doctor's office because of heart problems and stomach ulcers from stress. The four Monsters a day weren't helping my health situation, to put it mildly.

"You need to stop medicating yourself with caffeine," he said bluntly. "Four Monsters a day is going to kill you."

"I'd never thought of caffeine that way before," I admitted. "Obviously it's not helping me with anything."

"I feel like you use it to help you with your ADHD."

I actually laughed. "I don't have ADHD."

"Oh, have you never been diagnosed before?"

"No, because I don't have it. I had a teacher in elementary school say that I did, but I definitely didn't."

He looked at me thoughtfully. "Well, since you enjoy reading, I think you should read about ADHD in adult women, and we can pick up this conversation next week."

The Research That Didn't Change My Mind

I went home and dove into the research, still completely convinced I didn't have ADHD but wanting to understand it better. The next week, I came back armed with information about how depression and ADHD symptoms overlap.

"I can definitely see your point of view because of the depression overlap," I told him confidently. "But I just have depression."

"How well have your depression meds worked for you?" he asked, even though we both knew the answer - that's exactly why I was back again, still on the quest for a med that would actually help.

"We just haven't found the right ones yet, but we'll totally get there."

He looked at me, and I started to sweat a little, realizing he might be onto something I wasn't ready to face.

"I think we've been treating the wrong thing, and the depression could be secondary. I could be wrong, but if this path isn't working, maybe we should try something else if you're willing."

Nope, nope, nope, I thought. But the people-pleasing side of me kicked in. What's another med to try? When it doesn't work, we can get back on track.

The Consultation That Terrified Me

He set up a group Zoom call with another doctor. Both thought I should try ADHD medication. In my head, I was getting annoyed - this felt like some fad that everyone thinks is cool to have now.

When they mentioned Adderall, I panicked and instantly dismissed it. That's a party drug, and I wanted nothing to do with it.

After going over all the options, the doctor said, "I think we should put you on Adderall after you have another heart test."

Then came the requirements: I had to cut out all caffeine, and once I was on the meds I had to take my blood pressure weekly for the first month. But I also needed to take a drug test before I could get the meds.

I panicked out loud about taking "hard drugs" and what would happen if I lost pills or had extras. I literally thought I was going to have a meltdown right there in that virtual appointment.

The doctor was so kind, explained everything thoroughly, and three days later, I got my prescription.

The Pattern I Knew Too Well

I'd been through this dance with depression medications so many times. I'd go in hopeful, convince myself that taking this pill was going to fix me and make me a normal human who could get out of bed. The placebo effect would work for a few days, sometimes even a few weeks - even when those meds weren't even in my system long enough to really start helping.

But usually after 6 months to a year, I'd be back in the doctor's office saying, "I felt like they were working for the first month or so." I realize now that was probably just me desperately wanting them to work. Instead, I'd end up with wild side effects on top of the depression.

So when it came to this new medication, I went in with the complete opposite mindset - convinced it wouldn't work.

What happened when I actually took that first pill? The answer might surprise you. Part 2 coming next week...