When My Brain Broke (Or So I Thought)

Part 2 of 3: When Everything I Thought I Knew About Myself Was Wrong

Emu hugs can make everything better

Last week I told you about the doctor who wouldn't give up on me, even when I was convinced he was wrong. I left you with me holding a prescription I was sure wouldn't work. Here's what happened when I actually took that first pill...

The First Day That Confused Everything

I tried them for the first time on a weekend. That first night, I went to bed way early and slept for 14 hours straight. I thought maybe I was getting sick.

It was winter, and I had my perfect multitasking routine: watch whatever Derek was watching on TV (always with subtitles), listen to my audiobook, work on work stuff, and do some fun writing on the side so I could add to stories as ideas came to me.

I sat down for my normal winter day fun, and I just couldn't do it. My brain would not let me do all those tasks at once.

I got so frustrated and started crying and panicking about what I'd put into my body that was controlling my brain.

Derek was genuinely worried. "OMG, what's wrong?"

I told him what was happening, and he laughed. (Not his finest moment.) Then he tried to tell me that the meds were supposed to do that - that doing all those things at once wasn't normal.

Looking back, the work I did was okay, I missed parts of my book, I definitely missed parts of the show, and I never really finished anything I was writing. But being able to keep busy with all those things felt good, even though I wasn't actually accomplishing much.

I almost quit the meds that day. But Derek talked me into giving them more time, and I didn't want to let my doctors down. I wanted to be able to honestly tell them these meds weren't for me.

The Days That Started Shifting Everything

After about a week on the medication and a few more meltdowns about not being able to multitask like an amazing champ, something started shifting. I began realizing that I could think through different situations more clearly.

My doctor checked in with me to see how I was doing. I told him how tired I was and that I didn't like not being able to go 100mph in all different directions.

He said something that stopped me in my tracks: "Well, it sounds like we could be on the right path, because if you didn't need Adderall, then it wouldn't be slowing your brain down and allowing you to finally sleep at night."

This was the first time it really hit me that I could actually have ADHD.

The Realization That Changed Everything

After about a month, I noticed so many other improvements and slowly started coming to terms with the fact that maybe depression wasn't what was causing all of these issues - but that ADHD was causing the depression.

Now I'm not saying that I no longer deal with depression, but it's extremely manageable. I can also think through it clearly for the most part and realize that I don't actually want to die - that me feeling like I lost hope and have nothing leading me forward is what creates those dark thoughts. Then I start to give myself things to look forward to.

Looking back at life before medication, I lived in what I can only describe as an invisible prison. Some days, I literally could not drive the 15 minutes to work without having to pull over and take a nap. I would sit there needing to use the bathroom and hold it for hours because the thought of having to get up and move was literally too much.

This invisible prison had walls made of exhaustion, bars made of overwhelm, and a ceiling made of the constant feeling that I was failing at being human. Every task felt mountainous. Every decision felt impossible. I was trapped inside my own mind, watching life happen around me but unable to fully participate.

And no, it's not lazy, even though I thought that's what I was for years.

The Truth I Finally Accepted

The medication wasn't breaking my brain - it was finally letting my brain work the way it was supposed to. All those years of struggling, of feeling like I was failing at being human, of needing four Monster energy drinks just to function... it wasn't a character flaw. It wasn't laziness. It wasn't weakness.

It was ADHD.

For the first time in my adult life, I could focus on one thing at a time and actually complete it. I could have conversations without my mind racing in twelve different directions. I could make decisions without feeling paralyzed by overwhelm.

The invisible prison I'd lived in for so long? The door was finally unlocked.

But this story isn't over. What happened when I got careless with my medication routine changed everything I thought I knew about how much these pills actually helped. Part 3 next week...